Warning: blog post contains traces of horse meat and bitterness.
Since no one’s asking, I’ll do it myself: so, how’s that big change coming along, Jeroen? The short answer is: very very slowly. Dammit, change is tough. Even reminding yourself to work on it just a little each day is a challenge when faced with the easier alternative of remaining a grumpy couch vegetable.
I have been keeping very busy in the past weeks though, that is true. But I feel I have little or nothing to show for it yet. One frustration is that I haven’t found a new creative outlet to replace Happysad with. Nothing at all. What if it really was a once-in-a-lifetime idea? Another worry is that despite my somewhat improved social life, far too often I still feel lonely as shit. As if in the end, there is only one essential touchstone for happiness: am I in a loving relationship with someone who cares as much for me as I care for her? No? Then I’m not fucking happy. Nor happily.
Yes, I know what some of you are thinking. That you first have to be happy with yourself and yadda yadda yadda… That’s all very nice for self-help books, but I know what I want, and it sucks that I don’t have it. Period. And so the struggle continues. I take comfort in the fact that winter is almost over, that I’m already feeling a bit more energized, and that in general, life could be worse too. Maybe it’s a blessing that missing a mate is all I can complain about. But while working on change is a noble enterprise, and I’m most certainly not giving up on it, simply catching a lucky break would be bloody welcome too.